Jesus Cries Too
Last week Sullivan yelled, “I HATE YOU” to me while we were at a friend’s house. Instantly it felt like a dagger to my heart. My sweet boy, the one who normally thinks the world of me… the one who begs me to him cuddle longer… squeezes me so hard it’s actually beginning to hurt and sometimes even refuses to eat dinner until I get home from work… actually told me he HATED me.
This isn’t the first time he has lashed out with his words. He’s five. He is still learning how to express himself and how to navigate his emotions. With that in mind, everything he says goes through the “Jamie you are talking to a five-year-old” filter and never penetrates deep enough to TRULY hurt. I realize a five-year-old does not understand the weight of his words. He has not learned the power they hold and the damage they can inflict. I realize he does not actually hate me… not even a little. I actually am certain he loves me quite a bit.
The thing is, the events of that evening gave me a glimpse. And it was that glimpse - not Sullivan’s words - that truly hurt…
A time will come where my son will grow into a man and I will no longer be the center of his world and will no longer be his greatest love. It’s a good thing and should be my goal as his mom. I truly want him to grow to be strong and independent but If I’m being completely honest, no longer being his everything, is something that is hard for me to swallow.
Sullivan one day growing into a man and not needing me as he does right now is expected. But… what if a time also comes where the scale tips to a point where his love for me is outweighed by his anger, frustrations, or my shortcomings as his mother? What if a day comes where he no longer wants me in his life? I’ve seen it happen in good families where you would least expect it. Why should mine be immune?
That evening as we drove home and I was explaining to my children why we don’t use that word, it suddenly hit me. No matter how much you love someone, no matter what sacrifices you make for them and regardless of how much of yourself you give… you cannot force them to return your love with theirs. Sullivan’s outburst opened my eyes to the reality that no matter how hard you try to be a good parent and mold your kids into who you hope them to be, that ultimately, the choice of who they become and how they live their life … is theirs.
I understand that’s a tad over-processed and definitely a bit much to pull from the temper tantrum of a child. So let me try to explain a bit further …
On my way to work that next morning, I was praying. I have been trying hard in the middle of what has been a very difficult season to focus on what I do have to be thankful for. Despite my family’s trials, I am truly blessed beyond measure. However, that morning being just days from Christmas, my focus was thanking God SOLELY for Jesus.
It can be so easy to get distracted and overlook the gift of Jesus and what He accomplished at the cross. God loves us so much that He sacrificed His son. Sometimes I need to say that to myself several times so it can sink in a bit deeper… God WILLINGLY SACRIFICED HIS CHILD to free us from sin. It was a gift offered to all, but unfortunately, REJECTED my many.
As I was praying (and very possibly because I had just faced a minute rejection of my own from MY child the night before), something suddenly shifted in the posture of my heart towards my King. Suddenly I felt an overwhelming sadness for Him. Tears began to fill my eyes and I felt a heaviness sink in as I thought about God being rejected and even hated by HIS children… children, He gave the ultimate sacrifice to protect. I found myself starting to apologize for all the people who have said, “No. I don’t want your gift… I don’t believe in you… I don’t love you… and maybe even… I HATE you.”
IT BROKE MY HEART FOR HIS.
I thought of the minor and surface-level rejection I received the night before from Sullivan and how devastated I would be if he ever TRULY stopped loving me. It was followed by an overwhelming sting as I realized God has faced this heartbreak countless times. In hindsight, it seems so obvious now, but was something my mind never fully processed and something my heart was never able to empathize with in any capacity … until my experience with Sullivan.
Jesus endured the cross for EVERYONE, and in return, many of his children still reject Him. I cried on the way home that night with Sully … and here’s the thing…
JESUS CRIES TOO.
His tears fall for the lost ones He loves. God’s word says we were created in HIS image. On this side of Heaven we won’t fully understand what that means, but in my mind, it means we are - in some way - a reflection of Him. We laugh. We cry. We feel joy. We feel sorrow. We can be happy and in contrast, we can be sad. So it’s not too far fetched (and actually Biblical) to believe God has emotions too. His, of course, are not stained or blemished by sin as ours are, but He has them nonetheless. Does God Himself manifest His sadness in the form of actual tears? I know Jesus did. He cried, even went as far as weeping at times, showing us God’s grief in a very human way. But in all honestly, I have no idea if God physically cries. All I know is that if it was MY child that was lost or MY child who turned their back on me, my heart would be shattered and seeping tears.
God loves in a magnitude we cannot comprehend, so how much more must His heart break for us?
Today as I look into the big beautiful eyes of my Sullivan, my heart is warm and overflows with love for him. He is and always will be my delight, despite his actions. As much as he frustrates me, exhausts me and makes me question my sanity… I LOVE HIM. He brings a light and joy to my life in a way that words could never adequately express. My children are my greatest accomplishment and my heart is full because of them. I would give ANYTHING for them and nothing - NOTHING - could ever shift the depth of my love.
God is the author of that unconditional love. It’s the greatest gift of all the ages and one He has placed - for FREE - at our feet. Regardless of where you find yourself today and regardless of what you may or may not believe, God wants you to know something…
You are His child and the absolute delight of His heart.
Like Him, love Him, deny Him, ignore Him, maybe even hate Him… there is nothing you could ever do to change the way He will ALWAYS look at you.
As you walk into 2020, please know His gift is at your feet too. All He wants in return, the honest desire of His heart, is that you … would pick it up.
Much Love,
Jamie
